@joejwest

ME: Eat your lemon
PIRATE: No
ME: It stops scurvy
PIRATE: [folds arms, shuts eye]
ME: [carves tiny skull on lemon]
PIRATE: [opens eye a bit]

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@roob_drummer

snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this

@robdelaney

I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.

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@jngraphs

Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours

@FattMernandez

Don’t trust anyone who wants to “get you out of your comfort zone.” Why would you ever want to leave something called a comfort zone?!

@CrockettForReal

Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey

Him: that’s neat

Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool

@perlhack

I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese

@robfee

Relationships are just two people scrolling through Netflix saying “I don’t care, just pick something” until they both turn into skeletons.

@ShortSleeveSuit

ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside

BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot

@ericsshadow

If you stand next to a fatter person you look better. That’s why I work at Burger King.