I feel like I’d really make more progress on my goal of being more positive if everyone wasn’t such a huge piece of shit all the time
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Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton
Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious
In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?
Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.
Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.
Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
[Spelling bee, to clench victory]
“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”
Judges?
(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)
Correct.
Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
(Me,after returning from exam)
Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?
Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.
[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
daughter: dad I can count to 100 want to hear?
me: absolutely
daughter: ok *deep breath* I’m going to do it in my head. I’ll let you know when I’m done
Yesterday 4 said Stanley the snail on our outside wall was his best friend. Sadly Stanley fell off the wall overnight & showed no signs of life. I was worried how 4 would cope but turns out he’s already best friends with Mary the moth on our kitchen window. 4yos are fickle.
Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying, “Hey I spent $0.99 on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?”
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
ALIEN: What is “January”?
ME: That’s a month… named after a god
ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god
ME: Actually, he was a Roman
ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman
ME: Actually, that named after a number
ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10
ME: Actually, 8
ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.