My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
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They say rubbing coffee grounds all over your naked body can help prevent cellulite. What they didn’t say was not to do it in the aisle of the grocery store …..
….. anyways, gotta run – the cops just showed up
[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
My dad overheard a conversation at Thanksgiving about the show The Last of Us and wanted to binge it before Christmas, but he accidentally watched This Is Us instead and his texts to the group chat about “where are the zombies” are insane
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane
Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.
Try it…”Bluetooth connected”
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
He a real one for that
I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children
Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
mathematically impossible
13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?
That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
I’m 32 never been married, no kids. Most people my age are married with kids. The older I get it is likely the man I marry will be a divorced dad. Satistically 80% of 2nd marriages with kids end in divorce. So what I’m saying is if you are looking for a 2nd ex wife hit me up.
Cop: License?
Me: Here.
Cop: Sir this is a notecard with “Liscence” on it. And above that you wrote and crossed out “Lysense” and “Lisance.”
I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.