Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Milk Cube

To every YT creator out there
Never put text on the bottom..
Biggest mistake in my life.

The BMI chart says that for my height I should weigh 160 lbs.

My skeleton weighs 160 lbs.

[Spelling bee, to clench victory]

“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”

Judges?

(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)

Correct.

[being haunted]

Me: *tries to text ghostbusters*

Ghost: actually you have to call them, they’re pretty specific about that

Me:

Ghost:

Me: you know what being haunted is fine

Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.

[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]

Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.

*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*

Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.

Every woman I know is down catastrophic for the United Healthcare CEO assassin so if you’re a lonely, unstable, disaffected young man yearning for love and connection I can confidently tell you that there’s (1) thing you can do to get that special girl’s attention…

After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off

FINALLY A BEAUTIFUL DAY THAT ISN’T 100 DEGREES OR POURING RAIN

[frogs start falling from sky]

I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff

I’m like a potato because I’m:

-not special, but I’m usually likeable
-full of carbs
-not always good for you
-really white under this outer layer
-round
-smashable
-more interesting when I’m salty
-tasty if slathered in butter

Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*

The human personality is made of five key elements

Hey big accounts –

What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?

My cat would be dead before I got 50

cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.

Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark

It’s my birthday!

This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈

my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk

[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.

*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*

If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”

The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.

I need bail money.

*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY

Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.

Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.