Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.
You Might Also Like
Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.
[Entomologist Meeting]
Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?
Guy who named the fly: A crawl?
G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd
Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.
I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye
If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.
You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra
[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.
It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.
So I got her a bag of peas.
God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
me on ellen
ellen: so i hear you’re a big fan of being on ellen
me: yeah
*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen’s show, who sees me walking onto ellen’s show*
both me’s: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt
[Boss’ office]
“You’re late AGAIN.”
Drove back for my phone.
“Why do need it at work?”
It’s all I do.
“WHAT?”
I said, IT’S NICE TO SEE YOU.
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
I’m going to buy velcro strips for my sneakers.
I mean, why knot?
#SneakersDay #RubbishJokes
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff
If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.
I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.
Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.
I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.
They’re all grounded.
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
Same post same
If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.
cutie flirting w/ me: “Excuse me, how much does a polar bear weigh?” 😉
me, trying to be helpful: “An average male polar bear weighs up to 1,500lbs!”
cutie: “…’enough to break the ice’?”
me: “Haha I hope not, but climate change is having disastrous effects on their habitat!”
what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven
[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.
The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?Of course we’re not.
There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”
Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.