Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Someone has left me a voicemail. I don’t know what to do. Open the phone app? The contacts? Do I turn on the TV?

I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.

I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.

That is why I don’t flirt

My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning

My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.

A customer told me they were never coming back….

My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.

*purges outlook inbox

weigh me now

me: do u take walk-ins?

morgue: what

When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.

person I’ve never interacted with who has no tweets and a pfp that’s not human: follow me back please!

Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?

Quasimodo: I have a hunch.

Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?

ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!

DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?

My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.

“Hey. You sleeping? No? Whatcha thinkin about? Hey. Did you hear me? Hey. Hey. Ok. You’re boring. I’m leaving… Jk I’m back. Hey” – Birds

just walked into a wine tasting w my friends and announced “these are my taste buds” and not one person hi fived me

This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.

I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.

WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait

My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister

GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today

ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend

I cut a beanbag chair open on our neighbor’s lawn. Watching him try to clean it up will be my entertainment for the day.

The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?

I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.

Dracula’s wife: You’ve got a little smudge on your chin.

Dracula: Vhere? Here?

Dracula’s wife: No, a little to the left.

Dracula: Here?

Dracula’s wife: No, a bit to the right. You know what? Just go look in the mi..

Dracula: LOOK INTO WHAT, MARTHA??

Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.

At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.

Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.

There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.

NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.