Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.

[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]

Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes

I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me

WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.

THERAPIST: Is this true?

PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES

My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.

Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.

✨☝️✨

in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape

I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.

No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott

So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.

Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.

*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”

Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.

doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants

me: *taking underpants off my head* fine

I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.

“Is that your dog?”

“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”

“These are serious allegations”

You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.

Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.

CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint

Wireless bra? What’s the password?

I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy

Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.

Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.

The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.

I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not

[looks at text from 2 days ago]

Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?

I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it

“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation

Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?

Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes