Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day*
Her: You eat too much candy, you’re going to make me a widow
Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*
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me: sorry we’re late
st peter: what happened
grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic
“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls
what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
If my fingers don’t motion like scissors snipping when I ask for a haircut at the salon, how will they know what I mean
Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years
DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
Calling them “tricks” undermines everything I’m trying to do with the yo-yo.
I had a weird smell once…
A rodent crawled up under my car and got into the heat/air unit and died there.
I was trying to use my AC and blowing dead animal air at myself.
You know how long it takes to get rid of hot dead rotting rat smell?
3 months. Three
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
A bold strategy
THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening
ME: let me try a yo-yo trick
DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
8: If I promise to be super super good all the way until I’m 10, can I get a phone for my 10th birthday?
Me: Ok. Can you put your lunch box away?
8: Nah, I’m kinda busy.
Me: I thought you were going to be super super good?
8: Yeah, I’m starting that when I’m 9.
Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*
[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]
Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you
Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.
Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.
3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen
If you live in Tampa, evacuate. Your life is in danger.
If you live on Earth, evacuate. Your life is in danger.
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
me: I’d wait a lifetime for you
also me: 5 seconds till I can skip the add ? that’s some bullshit right there
Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”