Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.

you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore

Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.

Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.

Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.

Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…

Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA

Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.

My 7yo casually told me he added a parachute to my Amazon cart that needed to be purchased soon with no additional explanation.

Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?

Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.

I went with 4 to the supermarket and she insisted on pushing the trolley. Every time I went to help she yelled at me so I’d just like to apologise to the 382 people she injured while we were there

Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.

They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.

It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.

“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁

The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.

girls will be like “it’s fine” and then go and curse your whole bloodline.

I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.

i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn

[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.

“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”

coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name

*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it

My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.

[First date]

Her dad: I want her home before midnight

Me: but you already own her home

Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will

I come from a long line of idiots. One of my ancestors was stabbed to death by his fellow Greeks for shouting ‘Brojan Horse amirite’ while waiting inside to ambush Troy.

If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns

my favorite genre of twitter

7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.

I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.

kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him

My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.

So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.

Your move itches

When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”

wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us

My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.