Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day*
Her: You eat too much candy, you’re going to make me a widow
Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*

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I’m so tired of having to think, “What would a normal person do here?”


Cashier: I love your lip gloss!

Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.


I’m keeping a greater distance behind this truck with a vanity plate that reads “IMTEXAN” than I do behind cars with “Baby on board” signs.


Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.


my bed has four corners

[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners


Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.

Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.


PRIEST: do you have the ring

ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd


My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.


I love scary movies!, I say as I turn on all the lights to go to bed.