I’m so tired of having to think, “What would a normal person do here?”
Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day*
Her: You eat too much candy, you’re going to make me a widow
Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*
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Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
I’m keeping a greater distance behind this truck with a vanity plate that reads “IMTEXAN” than I do behind cars with “Baby on board” signs.
Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.
my bed has four corners
[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.
Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.
PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
“oh, hello. you’re back early”
I love scary movies!, I say as I turn on all the lights to go to bed.