@AnkCoupleTO

Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day*
Her: You eat too much candy, you’re going to make me a widow
Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*

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@librarianfonz

An idea only achieves transcendence after it is:

1. Published as book
2. Made into a feature film
3. Turned into an amusement park ride

@david8hughes

If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.

@jonnysun

*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat

@Jordan_Morris

I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?

@WheelTod

[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar

@jonnysun

i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years

@jwoodham

I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.

@ArfMeasures

Date: What are you thinking about?

Me *wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich* I was wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich