Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day*
Her: You eat too much candy, you’re going to make me a widow
Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*
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I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
where’s Godzilla when we need him
Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.
Regional Manager added me to the wrong Slack channel at work. There were discussions on overlooking 3 certain people for promotions & ideas on how to get them fired, because they were in a union. Long story short, I’m the regional manager now and the 3 people got their promotions
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
banker: you’re spending more than you bring in
me: god forbid i’m good at something
If kids these days had a perfume, it would be called
Audacity
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”“Honey, bunches of oats–”
“I think we’re done here.”
Glen, the spatula: *giggling* ok ok shhhh watch this
Me: *trying to open the drawer* what the-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ* dammit-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ*
The other Utensils: *going nuts* GLEN! GLEN! GLEN! GLEN!
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
“Send dunes!”
– some dyslexic guy
ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.
ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*
ouch
me, speaking to my daughter’s class on the importance of eating your vitamins: one time i got lost in the forest for so long i dropped dead & a sheepdog ate my carcass.
some smart aleck kid: if you died then how are you here right now?
me: {i look him square in the eyes} vitamins
The wife says the only hard things allowed in my house nowadays are boiled eggs, sudoku puzzles and the hats of the surprising number of construction workers who come by whilst I’m at work to quote for a new patio.
Surprising, because we live in a 3rd floor apartment.
I called my wife to see if she wanted me to pick up Fish & Chips on my way home from work, and she hung up on me. I think she’s still mad that she let me name the twins.
The average tiktok video is 24 seconds and let’s just say I can relate
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken
The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.