Me: *eating 8’s M&Ms*
8: where are my M&Ms?
Me: *hides packet* what M&Ms?
8: the ones from grandma
Me: what grandma?
8: my grandma
Me: is she though?
8: I don’t understand
Me: well go to your room and think about it
8:
Me:
8: *walks off*
Me: *finishes eating M&Ms*
why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
Me: you seem disappointed
Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine
me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY
me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying
If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.
*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway
ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby
ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.
The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”
People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.
If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.
Me: *Sitting in traffic*
Cop: Get back in your car
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs
“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”
Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.
Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it’d be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog
So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
