Me: *eating 8’s M&Ms*
8: where are my M&Ms?
Me: *hides packet* what M&Ms?
8: the ones from grandma
Me: what grandma?
8: my grandma
Me: is she though?
8: I don’t understand
Me: well go to your room and think about it
8:
Me:
8: *walks off*
Me: *finishes eating M&Ms*
I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
I’m posting this because I’m honestly at a loss. I’ve been in this situationship for as long as I can remember & I need advice. There’s this guy & he’s honestly SO nice & he gets me whatever I want but he only visits once a year & only when I’m sleeping & then he just disappears.
I’m just curious if anyone has been through anything like this? Any advice? I don’t even have his number I just write him letters.
Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers
*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*
*pays $47.00*
Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.
Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.
Just walked past a neighbour washing his car and I didn’t say “You’ve missed a bit” or “You can do mine next!” and now I’m questioning whether I’m even still British.
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
Man: Is Krista your actual name?
Me: Yeah.
Man: I’ve never heard of it.
Me: Okay.
Man: Is it short for something?
Me: Nope.
Man: I was sure it was short for something.
Me: It’s not.
Man: I’ve just never heard it.
Me: Okay.
Man: Are you sure it’s not short for anything?
never let them know your next move: signal left, then turn right
Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?
The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear
getting a divorce to pursue my true passion: collecting alimony
Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.
your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me
6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”
Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”
6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.
#gardening
It’s my cracking, popping joints that has unfortunately kept me from my career as an unexpectedly hot assassin
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?
me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?
daughter:
BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.
