Me: *eating 8’s M&Ms*
8: where are my M&Ms?
Me: *hides packet* what M&Ms?
8: the ones from grandma
Me: what grandma?
8: my grandma
Me: is she though?
8: I don’t understand
Me: well go to your room and think about it
8:
Me:
8: *walks off*
Me: *finishes eating M&Ms*
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My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
Me: I’m proud of you for completing your project and I’m sorry for screaming like a feral raccoon.
10: Don’t worry girlie when I’m a mom I’m gonna do the same thing.
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions
My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.
Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.He cooked 2 sausages.
Oh good, instead of socks or electronics or whatever…now Amazon can also deliver your life-saving medications to someone else’s house.
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.
Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.
Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.
When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.
Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy
Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive
Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
One of the best facts is that sharks are older than Saturn’s rings because it suggests that sharks might somehow have noticed, like they might have looked up one day and said ‘wait, have you done something different with your satellites?’
Amazon Prime: can I take your order
Megatron: hi, I’d like… omg
Amazon Prime: *horrified* oh no
Megatron: YOU ARE Amazon Prime lol
Amazon Prime: *holding back tears* it’s just a job
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
It’s my birthday eve, when Birthday Claus comes down the chimney and leaves me three additional wrinkles, two new mysterious body aches, and a skin tag.
HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.
Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.
I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.