Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.

Have a work dinner where I’ll be meeting lots of new, important people for the first time. It’s a good thing I’m normal about both People Perceiving Me and Eating

People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.

INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?

ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.

me: do you take walk-ins

dude at the crematorium: what

what could possibly go wrong?

I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.

Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan

*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*

Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.

When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.

I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”

I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying

Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”

Me, “Please…I have a family.”

I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.

Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled

I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters

My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…

Weird.

“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”

The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.

It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.

I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.

Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion

Willy Wonka making Charlie the CEO of the Wonka company was actually a pretty smart business move considering the lawsuits the company will be getting after the murder tour

*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*

*Now with 50 percent less fat*

Me: ooooh *buys two*

Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that

Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them