Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

sounds kinky. i’m in.

[at work]

Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?

*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*

“No…why do you ask?”

I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.

Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered

Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list

The more you know

*waters flowers*
*flowers die*

*sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*

just remembered my uber driver who messaged me that he had to stop for something and showed up 12 minutes late with chocolate on his face

Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.

Starting your most incoherent sentence with “put simply” to deflect blame onto the reader

House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*

I was a stay at home kid for the first 12 years of my life. I don’t think I’ll ever financially recover from it

You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money

I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.

i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks

No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!

*throws cat at Kinko’s employee

waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.

*Dog begging for chocolate bar*

“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”

*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*

My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”

You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both

My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.

i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house

Leaving your home without your smart phone is modern day camping. You’re out there in the wild with no way of making contact with anyone, roughing it up on your way to pick up dry cleaning.

Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.

Him: The dog ate your take-home final?
Me: Yeah.
Him: So what happened?
Me: Well, a few hours later-
Him: Oh, no.
Me: -he passed the test.

My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint

*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving

Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??

Me: It’s hard to stay mad at a guy who shows up with pizza instead of a lame bunch of flowers.

Domino’s Delivery: Listen lady I’ve only been late one time.

When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.

Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.