Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”

CLASSIC ROCK DJ: What should I play?

ANGEL ON HIS SHOULDER: Wow, so many options! Decades of music and thousands of bands to choose from!

DEVIL ON HIS SHOULDER: What about the same 14 songs over and over again?

Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.

Huge if true.

There’s never enough good news

If I close my eyes and nod while eating the food you made, it was good.

If you see me eating like a raccoon, it is absolutely amazing.

Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.

It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.

It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.

Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.

“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.

6:00pm
Me: Hey, Bud. Getting hungry?
4: nope

6:15
Me: almost ready for dinner?
4: not yet

6:25
Me: Time to wash your hands to eat.
4: But I’m not hungry

6:30
Me: are you-
4: I’M STARVINGGG. WHY IS MY FOOD TAKING SO LOOONG? WHEN ARE WE GONNA EEEAT? WHY DON’T YOU LOVE MEEE?

Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.

My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.

Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*

Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.

her: do carrots help your eyesight

me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen

life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school

Me: I taught the dog to say the 7 deadly sins

Wife: No you didn’t

Dog: Ruff

Me: See, wrath!

Wife: He said ruff! You can’t teach a dog to

Dog: Gluttony

Wife: Holy shit

“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that

Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.

[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]

Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.

girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week

Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…

Then it’s a soap opera!

we’ve been teaching the 2 yr old about cutlery and setting the table for supper and, well,

Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅

I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.

[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*

August 9th is Book Lovers Day! Not to brag but I once wrote a book on pizza. My publisher suggested I use paper next time.

My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.

I won, so we’re getting a Meth.

We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.