Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories
Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better
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Truth
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I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image
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Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
[ouija board]
“helo??”
YOUR… SPIRIT…
“shh its working”
WILL… APPEAR…
“omg”
AFTER… THIS… AD…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”
I love The Wizard of Oz but all of Dorothy’s problems would have been prevented if she just kept Toto on a leash
a few weeks ago I faked an Irish accent at the bar & ended up meeting a guy from Ireland that night. since then I contemplated if he was faking it or not & I just found him on tinder and his bio says if he gets drunk enough he fakes an Irish accent. I’ve found my soulmate y’all!!
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic
I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄
Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’
Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.
Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
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The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you
Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $2,000.
*sees lost cat*
Hey buddy you lost
*reads tag*
there’s a phone number
*dials number*
*little cell phone in cats pocket starts ringing*
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
– Lift doors shutting as someone approaches
– “Tickets please”
– “It’s 3 for 2 if you want to go get another one”
– Doorbells
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
Me: New rule, if you leave the dinner table without saying “Excuse me,” we will assume you’re done and I will eat the remaining fries right off your plate.
9yo: should we tell 5yo once she gets back to the table?
Me: (speaking through a mouthful of 5yo’s fries) nah