Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I see that your IQ test came back negative.

Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.

Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.

My son is happy I’m staying off twitter until he goes to bed so as to spend more time with him.
He is not happy with his new 6pm bedtime

WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.

WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.

‘Hey look, hot dogs!’

Dogs: *blush* omg thanks

If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.

Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful

Me: Flies away

Me: *Swimming with dolphins*

Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?

ruining the Olympics for my fiancée by, every time they mention Paris, saying, “that’s where ratatouille lived”

Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur

me: I won’t I’m not an idiot

Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery

me: *eyes narrow*

Party Tip:

At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.

*first date*

Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!

Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!

My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy

Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me

While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!

ME: *stands by the window*

ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot

Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am

SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer

WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!

“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”

Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!

Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT

Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.

good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee

I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?

me to wife: the mailman refuses to deliver mail here anymore
me three days ago: I should build replicas of all the traps in home alone

modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail

My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out

I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.

Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.

I still like to cuddle though.

If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.

I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers

[coming back into house from grocery store]

Me: thanks for coming with me!

7: I didn’t really have a choice.

Me: but it was nice, right?

5: we can’t stay home alone.