Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.

oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow

[summer]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too hot.

[fall and winter]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too dark.

[spring]
It’s nice out and the days are getting longer. I think I’ll go for a w– *tornado siren sounds*

*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??

I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.

My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.

none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box

I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.

my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep

Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily

Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.

Tired of people being like “here’s my go-to easy meal” and then starting to preheat the oven

My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.

Me: Wow, you two really like comedy

Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?

Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?

ME: argh the salty air be getting to me head just hand over the treasure ya scurvy knave

LONG JOHN SILVERS CASHIER: *rolls eyes* *gives me my change*

Me: It’s not how often you fall down, it’s how many times you get up that matters.

Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.

A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”

Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds

Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends

Fortune cookies are pretty cool but there are foods that can more accurately predict the future. Like if I drink tequila I know I’m definitely getting arrested.

BF overheard me listening to the “Thank U, Next” video and asked “Is she saying ‘bacon, eggs’?” so that is how I will be singing this song from now on, thank you.

Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people

*Into hospital bathroom emergency intercom*: um, someone put the toilet roll on backwards

so cool that kids can now text you from school and ruin your day in real time

Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.

I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.

I thought you said “Face punch me”.

Reasons to have a landline phone:

1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing

2. See reason #1

November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain

crow 1: wanna hang out?

undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder

“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent

put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf