Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!
Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.
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So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.
I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.
Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…
My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!
“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”
– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise
PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
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Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.
You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*
Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.
Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.
Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.
My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover
Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.
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Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.
IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck
You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.
The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
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TEENAGE JAMES BOND: its actually just a learners permit to kill. I can kill, but only with an adult over 25 and not after 10pm
For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.
[road trip]
Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!
Kid: but
Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND
My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
sisyphus was lowkey stupid just pushing that boulder over and over again 🙄🙄🙄 anyway this is the 15th time i reset my password this year but i do not need to write it down because this time i will for SURE remember it
Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.
Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]
Here you go!
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?