Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!
Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.
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I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: things couldn’t get worse
2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
*Me at a fitness consult
Trainer: you need to cut way back on carbs
Me: what am I supposed to melt my cheese on?
Trainer:
Me : where are you going?
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.
HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?
Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?
*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*
Me: The gym.
It’s not my job to police the internet, but I just saw someone post a recipe for cauliflower cookies and reported them for harmful content.
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free
Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
My 4yo informed me that she was “less than not half way done” getting ready for school. My guess is she’ll be ready before I figure out what that means.
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
Reading tweets about the demise of cursive and remembered a man born in 1911 who printed in tiny capitals instead of cursive. He worked for a corporation. I wish I had asked him about it.
ME: I got us a penguin!
WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??
PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.
ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
Lmao 🤣
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
Every hotel is like: “Yes we’ll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!”