Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!
Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.
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No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out
No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?
A holiday of 20 days, 6 countries and the first thing my kid says after being back is “ah I have missed my own toilet”.
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…
…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas
i’m addicted to Youtubers who think their catchphrase is truly like “hey guys” and then they release merch that says “hey guys” and it sells out and they make $1 million and then they get to go to the doctor and I don’t
Handshakes should be banned. Touch our naked body parts together for all the world to see? Gross!
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.
“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”
If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months
They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.
printer: replace cyan ink cartridge
me: why? It’s a black and white document
printer: need cyan to print it
me: why?
printer: cyan
It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…
yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away
If you’re still trying to decide on your plans for Easter weekend, ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” and definitely don’t do that.
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Aether is both a noun and a verb.
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Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.
Yup
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.