Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.

me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose

plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears

me: I need to speak to someone else then

Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.

*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*

what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog

when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out

How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485

A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.

If you are in the market for a new fridge just know that my 4yo makes more ice pretending to be Elsa than my four year old Samsung refrigerator.

Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.

Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*

Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911

If you sleep naked, you shower in your pajamas send tweet

If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.

*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch around

Are these the stairs that guy dragged you down?

It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.

I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.

I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable

90% of my life is convincing others that I, an idiot, am not an idiot.

The other 10% is using my phone’s flashlight to help me find my phone.

Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.

Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.

Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.

On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.

GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.

ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’

HER: I need to see other people.

[God making water]

“it helps plants”
ANGEL: nice
“cleans things”
A: ok
“u die if u don’t drink it”
A:
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
A: what

[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.

My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.

People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”

ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was

Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-

ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be

I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs

Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.