Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.

grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to

Yeah. I got blocked on ours for being sarcastic.

They all got panicked about an Asian guy in a van following kids around slowly. It was the Amazon guy delivering parcels.

Next day I started a post about a bloke with a red van putting stuff through people’s doors. Blocked.

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anon_opin 😡🗯
@anon_opin
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group

[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?

[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.

Well, this explains it:

Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”

7: Are monsters real Mommy?

Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.

The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.

Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.

Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.

Them: your child is skipping a nap today.

Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!

Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.

this site is so cooked lol

[cloud watching]

GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.

ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.

If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!

Husband: ….

*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.

kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again

Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.

Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse

Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something

Ouija board: s o m e t-

Wife: that’s him

Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea

A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.

Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral

my therapist gave me her cell phone number.

and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.

Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?

If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.

[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]

“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”

Here

“Aren’t you going to guess?”

When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.

Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.

Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%

Saying ‘better luck next time’

is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.

The more you know..