Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*
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Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao
Anyone know what emoji I can use for “no mum, I don’t remember the woman who lived 4 doors down from us 36 years ago who had no neck”? x
MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!
PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey
I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
me: oh my god!!! i just had the most amazing nap.
doctor: you were just under general anesthesia.
me: when can i go again?
Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.
Godzilla represents a desire in all of us for our reputation to shift from being seen as a baddie to a good guy while changing our behaviour in no way, shape or form.
YOU: Your guess is as good as mine
ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?
YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine
“Florida is insane.” Bro, we ain’t even trying right now. Imagine how powerful we would be if we all had dental insurance.
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
A city girl was bequeathed an inn, but it’s all run down and doesn’t have any water and the only person in town for the holidays is the ruggedly handsome guy who just lost his wife
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
[firing squad]
Any last requests?“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”
Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE
*gunshots*
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.
me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow
boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.
Me:
Goes to bed early
Gets 8 hours of sleep.
Eats healthy breakfast.
Takes a hot shower.
Listens to great music on the walk to work.Colleagues: “You look tired.”
[High School Reunion]
Him: I started my own Law Firm last year
Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story
just make the entire table out of coaster
What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes