Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.

If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly

My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.

Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues

I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.

At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist

[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?

If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?

Every triangle is a love triangle when you love triangles

You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.

Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.

[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut

My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her

I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…

“Call me crazy bu..”

You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.

If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.

Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!

If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.

Nothing is more important to me than my family. They’re the only ones who get my references.

If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.

medium: so you want to contact your wife

wife: *muffled* open the door

me: sometimes I can still hear her voice

wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys

me: it’s like she’s here watching over me

[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”

Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.

Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months

I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.

She’s mine

i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.

you spend so long trying to think of a name for your cat only to end up calling them “for god’s sake” and “please stop”

my mother is staying with me for about a week, and i’m going to be honest, i didn’t even know the volume on my television went that high

black phone good

Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.