Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”

You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.

Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful

Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).

I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.

I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.

[Christmas]

ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?

HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?

ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.

me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me

Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?

so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…

For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.

My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.

I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma

Mario Kart:

1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife

“What are you going to wear today?”

Sunscreen and the weight of everyone else’s expectations.

Ethan isn’t playing around this semester

I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.

Like how I slid in “anal”?

Like how I said “slid in anal”?

I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.

Karate and loose meat sandwiches.

Welcome to Sloppy Dojo’s. I’ll be your sensei for this evening.

All salads come with our own roundhouse dressing

The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.

You can’t stop 80s kids. We were able to walk on sunshine, dance on the ceiling, shock the monkey, walk like an Egyptian, cut footloose, live on a prayer, burn down the house, whip it, rock the kasbah and still had time to wang chung tonight.

I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me

I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza

if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping

Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.

People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.

And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”

IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”

Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist

*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?

Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites

You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.