I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
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I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff
*hides some stuff
It’s maybe 35%
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?
*makes sandwich*
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
Went on a date once.
He ordered for me, “She’ll have a small side salad.”
I said, “Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato.”
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.
Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.
Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.
I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.
Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.
Who called them mermaids and not scale models?
All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.
Huge, if true.