[talks about how badass wolves are for 20 mins]
date: can we talk about something else?
[pulls out powerpoint on why wolves are badass] No
Me: *eating a snack*
Dog trainer: those are for the dog
Me: then why does it look like bacon?
Dog trainer: to fool the dog
Me: *still eating them* I see
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SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
me: AND UR COMPUTER
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]
“ok start it up”
“give it some gas”
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
My first day as a cat burglar,
Victim: you know you don’t actually have to dress up like a cat when you do this
[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU
Me: let’s take those jeans!
Her: idk, that’s stealing
Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice
Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
I once met this guy who was so creepy that his van had a basement.