Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry
My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s
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After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”
I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.
She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.
Surgery didn’t go well.
Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.
[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea
“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”
Dear Lord..
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]
Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables
Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.
Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?
Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
Needing to stretch is so funny. Your body is like “ughhhh make me longer!”
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table