Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry
My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s
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“I literally can’t even!”
— White girl hanging a picture
Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”
Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?
“Let’s call it a day.”
I don’t know what else you’d call it.
Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.
“Lets call it a turtle.”
See?
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right
We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.
ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”
[armed robbery]
gf: pls babe he has a gun, this isn’t the time to mess around, just call the cops
me: no. *pulls out deck of yu-gi-oh cards* i have to trust the heart of the cards
robber: you should’ve listened to your little girlfriend, kid
*pulls a deck out of his gun*
Astrologer: do you know what we say about November birthdays?
Me: that the Valentines lingerie worked?
Astrologer: no
MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.
Women because they’re embarrassed
Men because they’ll start laughing
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”
9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.
“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
Cramming a band’s entire discography hours before a show just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me.
*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you’re square. all comes down to who’s the faster cyclist
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.