Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry
My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s
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It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.
Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.
Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.
High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise
The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause
I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days
My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.
Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.
Wife: Absolutely not like that.
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”
You have to be careful about sending your spouse things on social media. You send too many things, next thing you know chores are being redistributed because of “all the free time you clearly have”
I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
ME: we need to talk
BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—
ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all
“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”
😂💯
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
Fun Fact:
If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.
You’re welcome.
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me