Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.

Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.

Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop

Webb. James Webb.

People are usually shocked that I have a Police record.

I don’t know why. They made pretty good music.

There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.

1. You
2. All the other idiots

I’ve been threatened several times, shot at once, and had a gun pulled on me 3 times, and yet I’ve never been intimidated by anyone except this damn toddler

Quit keeping your enemies closer. No wonder you feel like shit.

If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix

Handing over my ID at the post office.

The clerk said “You’ve aged quite a bit since this photo was taken.”

I said “Yes, I had it taken just before I joined this queue.”

Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.

Thank you Ortega, these tacos are gonna rock

A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.

When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.

I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”

90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there

Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?

Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.

‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans

i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making

“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”

WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.

ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!

Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.

[11 has been working on his homework for 1 hour]

11: Guess what, there are only 3 people in the U.S. with my exact name.

Me: What class is this for?

11: I haven’t started yet.

CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.

“My dog took 20 minutes to find a spot to poop this morning” is, apparently, not a good response to “Why are you late?” and “Why do you only have makeup on one eye?”

Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.

9yo son: The difference between moms and dads is that when you say “I’m hungry,” moms say “go eat something” and dads say “hi, Hungry, I’m dad.”

I hope this email finds you-

Waldo: *slams laptop shut* holy fuck that was close