Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected

Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.

Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.

They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.

Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth

A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”

I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.

Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.

I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it

[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]

I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:

Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate

[Wrench factory]
BOSS: I’m proud to say it’s been 250 days without an injury!
WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *

doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high

me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep

My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.

It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.

Looking at a guy in great shape: 🔥🔥
Looking at a girl in great shape: 😍😍
Looking at workout equipment: 😐

[jail]
ME: I want my phone call
COP: Ok. Make it count
ME: [dials payphone]
[cop’s mobile rings]
COP: Hello?
ME: Please let me go

When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.

They said it was a staff infection, but I’m pretty sure some customers got it as well.

Me: *hanging off a cliff*

Kids: Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!

Me: Oh thank goodness! Kids, go get-

Kids: What’s for dinner?

You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it

[At my seance]

Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…That’s definitely him

Friend 2: How can you tell?

F1: He spelled “your” wrong.

ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]

GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?

E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.

GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?

Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to

Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.

In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.

Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!

Me:

Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”

Me in 2022: when will my child talk

My child in 2024: WELL MOMMY DO YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT I AM FINKING NOW? I AM FINKING ABOUT MR. WOGERS WENT TO THE ZOO AND SAW A PANDA. IT IS DARK. MOMMY WE SHOULD GET A WANTERN FOR OUR PORCH. AND A VERY SHORT STORY IS ONCE UPON A TIME THE END