Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.

“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.

Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*

When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…

[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.

So UBER is not a dating app?

*sigh*

I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.

Mr. Trump, who’s your Secretary of State?

TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin

my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are

and then suggest you lose weight

He was a koi.

She was a squirrel.

Can I make it any less obvious?

“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”

Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.

God: where’s your horn
Unicorn: i sold it for drugs
God: throw this fucken horse in jail

–the invention of zebras

her: are u excited for the next Star Wars

me: [sweating] did we win the last one

Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed

Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.

To whomever keeps trying to access my Microsoft Office account:
Bro, I don’t even wanna be in there.

6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*

Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?

6: My boyfriend.

Me: Give it back.

Welcome to your late 40s from now on you will no longer be in “good health” but in “good health for your age”

Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?

after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams

BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is

This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers

It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?

It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.

We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.

Me: My dog has gone missing

Dog pound: What colour is it?

Me: Brown

Dog pound: Sex?

Me [turns to wife]: Has the dog lost his virginity?

Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.

I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the Ambien wears off and I realize I’m dragging a stolen mannequin through the Taco Bell parking lot.

“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee

Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.

Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?