Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Stop roasting yourself, you’re not a marshmallow

why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with

So Hamburger help me, God

I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.

Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.

I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry

[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]

*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice

Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.

I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”

If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.

“why are you being so quiet?” bc I wasn’t listening the first half of the conversation and now I have no idea wtf is going on

I need one of those breweries with like a hundred things on tap but for different kinds of soup. A stewery if you will

“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve

My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to

If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for

ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this

I had to update my driver’s license photo at the DMV and I complained that I looked terrible in it and the guy said, “Lady, that’s literally exactly what you look like” and now my day is ruined.

Have kids so they can tell you at 5am that they must dress as a historical figure today, like your wardrobe is full of apparel from the 1800’s.

me: i have test anxiety

classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers

jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D

Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me

I finally wore the shirt my boyfriend bought for me last Christmas and he asked if I was wearing a new shirt and that my friends is what relationships are all about

drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”

– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.

I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…

According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.

[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?

You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’

[opening day at fast food place]

manager: all the orders in?

employee: yes.

manager: the electrical all set?

employee: yes.

manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?

employee: yes.

manager: perfect. we’re ready.

Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.

I saved $30 by cutting my own hair.
I might have also saved my own life cuz I’m not leaving this house until it grows back in.

me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri