Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.

The Last Dance just keeps getting better

Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food

{Working as a bouncer}

ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*

Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider

just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…

Wife: [frantically searching kitchen] I can’t find my stir fry pans.

Me: looks like we need to go for a wok. lol.

Wife:

Me:

Wife: you hid them just to make that pun didn’t you?

Me: you butter believe it : )

“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door

Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.

Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try

I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.

“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”

Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow

Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise

Frodo: Holy crap, I’ve never seen anyone fight like that! How did you get so good?

Legolas: (thinking back to when Santa wouldn’t pay for his health care) … Dragons.

Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian

“Aww, what a nice name”

It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name

“What is it?”

Theskywithdiamonds

Me: *Asks question on snapchat*

Them: *Answers question on snapchat*

Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”

The fact that we don’t hear the words “free quote” and burst into laughter always amazes me. You aren’t going to charge me to tell me what you’ll charge me? Calm down, Karl Marx.

I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.

you never know what burdens people are dealing with

Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.

How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.

13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad

When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days

Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.

Or having an Asian baby.

I’m an engineer and each morning when I load up my cargo pockets with my tools I pretend I’m holstering my weapons before going to get revenge for the murder of my wife, I don’t even have a wife

At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)

Heck of a week to be a 50-year-old journalist working with people in their 20s when the news has been about pagers and now Tupperware.

at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked

My neighbor was all like sorry I can’t stop to chat I’m running late. And I was all like it’s my lucky day. And she was like what. And I was all like have a great day!

Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?