Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded

Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.

My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”

I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.

Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.

Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along

[job interview]

“Have any questions?”

Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?

A Twitter love story, in 3 parts:

Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here

Also me: I wonder how I can contribute

I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time

I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.

Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters

I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween

I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.

[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA

My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.

God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.

Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.

This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.

“Daddy, I-”

*presses button for soundproof backseat divider

Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”

*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider

Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave

* overheard at the bar *

Becky: so what do you do?

Him: I’m a beekeeper

Ecky: you astard!!!!

What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?

One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….

I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.

I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.

My therapist after every session

At conference w/ teacher

Me:…what’s wrong with how 7yo spells states?

Teacher:(to 7yo) spell Ohio

7yo: Ohio, O-H-I-O, Ohio

Teacher: good, now spell Oklahoma

7yo: (sings) Oklahoma, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, Oklahoooooooma, YEAH!

Teacher:

Me: what? That’s how I learned it

#Dadlife

My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it

you, an idiot: *eats a snack*

me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*

her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*

me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*

Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download

[amazon dropping off my order]

Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!

Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!

Me:

Cat: Tomato Tomahto

Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.