Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.

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Can you guys give me the names of some famous athletes and prisoners? I’m making a pros and cons list.


[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
“Uh oh”
“Haha nice!”


Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown


Person: *wearing cargo shorts*

Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.


When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.


As Head Priestess of the North Glendale coven…in addition to requesting YET AGAIN everyone sign up for unholy committee duties…I’ll reiterate that your amulets MUST be smaller than mine, yes I mean yours Susan. Also there’s a Prius blocking the driveway. All hail the Dark Lord.


I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don’t have to get out of bed to get them a drink.


Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.

Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed


Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.