Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.
You Might Also Like
self doubt: should I be this obsessed with lord of the rings
elf doubt: why didn’t rivendell share its prosperity with the rest of the races
saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
Her: Penny for your thoughts?
Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?
Her:
Me:
Her: Can I have my money back please?!
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
Condiments that would be cute baby names:
Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard
[commercial for tupperware]
Are you done with that food, but would rather throw it away in 3 weeks rather than right now?
– Tupperware
*pronounces carrot like tarot*
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today
Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
Bagged lunch circa 1984
-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”
Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
HER: I’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME:
HER:
ME: did the dog put you up to this
A rusted van sits under a bridge.
Rats gnaw on moldy Scooby Snacks.
Shaggy takes a hit off the pipe.“WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME VELMA?”
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.
Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.
Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:
G
O
A
W
A
YAnd I am here for that energy.
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
[Phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.
If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”