Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.
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Life Hack: Get a dog and a cat and name them Resident and Occupant. Now that junkmail isn’t annoying, it’s adorable.
[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes
A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type
And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
Breaking news:
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.
Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
People on Twitter are crazy. You can be like “I like summer” and there’ll be a comment under it like “wowww really? summer??? how dare you even say that? I expected more from you, you entitled piece of shit”
News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change.
But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.
I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf