Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
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You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.
Me: you forgot updog.
Yoga Instructor: what’s up-
Wife: -NOOOO!
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
We need a ride home.
“I called a Gruber”
Don’t you mean an Uber?
[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]
Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
HR: I’m afraid that’s not proper corporate dress code.
ME: *taking off wetsuit* casual Friday is bullshit then.
Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
[Coffee line]
*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.
Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?
HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone?
ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend
HIM: what?
ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low
HIM: what did you say?
ME: that ur secret’s safe with me 🙂
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
Earth reviews
⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”
“go to hell” is basic. “i hope James cordon plays a starring role in the movie of your favorite musical” is real. it’s possible. it’s terrifying.
Doug is just Canadian for dog
My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.
When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”
I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.
To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.