Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
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“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.
Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?
Yesterday someone on here said I was more attractive than an actual Prince, and that was a really weird way to discover that my mom had a Twitter account.
[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*Boss: What are you doing?
Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
Me: *opening trunk*
Tied up Guy: ope
Me: omg this isn’t my car
Tied up Guy:
Me: I’m one row over this is so embarrassing
Tied up Guy: happens to everyone
Me: *closing trunk* ugh I’m so sorry
Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.
Sorry can’t, setting up an alarm on my spice cupboard so my mother-in-law won’t rearrange it
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
Meow
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA:
What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf
Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.
Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.
I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.