ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough
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On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck
Two days after I bring my newborn daughter home from the hospital:
22 month old son: When’s she going back?
Me: Back where?
Son: To her house at the hospital.
Me: She lives with us now.
Son: Mommy, you’re not making
good choices.
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?
Me: Every night
Priest: What’s their favorite part?
Me: When Frodo destroys the ring
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.
Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..
I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?
Me: that’s not my hair.
Wife: then who’s hair is it?
Me: omg it’s a full moon.
Wife: so?
Me: *whispers* weresoap.
My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie
I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.