Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.

Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.

I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.

Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.

so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*

Him: i like you

Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea

Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?

I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.

Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.

Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room

[Commercial for X-Games]

Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?

went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm

earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*

webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat

Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.

My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.

3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”

So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?

Get in the car. We’re either getting ice cream or committing arson. I’ll decide on the way

I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.

I’m a psycho, grandma.

The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.

a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”

Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me

This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.

friend: how long have you had that bourbon?

me: 20 years.

friend: why don’t you just drink it?

me: drinking age is 21 dude.

Recipe for homemade charcoal:

1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…

[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”

Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?

(Lionel Richie, speed dating)

Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.

People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins

If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.

On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..

How hung over are you?