Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.

hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register

I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.

The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family

Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …

Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!

Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]

Them: but, if you’re both men, who’s “the lady” in the relationship?

Me: Mariah Carey.

Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza

“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.

Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies

[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over

In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.

Previously On Persistence 😎

Being my friend is a walk in the park, but the park is on fire and sometimes the squirrels eat your cookies

My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get

This box wine has subtle hints of 7-Eleven parking lot and poor decisions.

Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.

[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat first

Him: omg this is cray cray

Me: ok that was easy

Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.

if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it

I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.

Me: These books are half price.

Wife: Yeah.

Me: So I can save money.

Wife: Uh huh.

Me: By buying ten times as many.

Wife: NO.

Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh

sorry I can’t come to work today, my dog finally caught a bird this morning and I’m going to need the next 2-6 weeks to emotionally recover

if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache

Wife: Rock the baby.

Me: *plugs in amp*

Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them

A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune

Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies

I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards