Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen

Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.

I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.

My 7yo said she hurt herself, and when my 9yo asked her to describe the pain, she just yelled, “AAAAAAAHHHHH” 😭💀

I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo

“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”

384 my liege

“Ok, round them up”

400 my liege

You can get poptarts but you can’t get momtarts because of the pastryarchy.

i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok

Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert

Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!

Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille

Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…

I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min

I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.

Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.

sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means

Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.

Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.

My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.

Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.

I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”

I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.

ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!

KIDS: we do!

M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up

You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.

Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.

Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami

“I’ve got chills. They’re multiplying.” “Sir, you’re going into shock. Please stop narrating–” “And I’m losing control.” “Sir!”

Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.

my recent google searches:

— how to colour your own hair

— how to fix a bad dye job

— Wigs By Tiffani

— hats

— making the most of your time in isolation

i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years

my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day

[elsewhere]

crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.