Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off

My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.

I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.

Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.

I just can’t handle it anymore.

Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor

Hang in there buddy

“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”

My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.

Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?

*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*

Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”

Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.

When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring

obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two

‘God given talent’ is a weird idea.

God: “Hmmm, I’ll give it to that kid and let the other millions work in data entry.”

“old Victorian houses are charming”

I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF

As a child all I wanted was as to be a time traveller like my grandson and his grandson before him.

don’t bring a knife to a gun fight okay then explain bayonets to me.

God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.

Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes

Obi-wan: You look different.

Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.

Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.

Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA

We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that

[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?

We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.

Let’s see if he notices.

Mr. Miyagi: It’s simple Daniel san, wax on, wax off

Daniel: Yeah, but your back hair, bro?

Life is like a box of chocolates. More expensive than I was expecting.

I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…

In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.

Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written

If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question