Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok

My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.

Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.

Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?

[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me

You better watch out

my boss: how are you late to work again

me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away

When I was 11 I went to the mall and got a mullet. The MALL! A MULLET!

Then the next day I went again & had the back of it permed. PERMED!

Oh and also I got grounded, and my mom cried, and I may have ruined the Christmas card.

But I looked rad AF.

If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.

“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”

-if Lassie had been a cat

I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone

“Is this the fifth one?”

– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish

My local coffee shop has one of those “No WiFi, pretend it’s the old days” signs so I robbed them and made them promise not to use DNA evidence to convict me.

There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.

If you see something, say something.

My dog: i got this

If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.

*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*

Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce

Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.

Barista: Name?
Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink*
*Time passes*
Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar

Here’s a little song I wrote about the birds in the bush outside my bedroom window it’s called “I’m Wide Awake and Angry at 4 AM” and a one and a two

My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.

“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother

I went to order a book this morning and they said I needed to add two more to qualify for free shipping and obviously that just makes good financial sense anyway 14 books are on the way

I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.

If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.

On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.

Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…

*doesn’t tweet for months*
*deep breath*
*cracks knuckles*

Do you think Scooby Doo was supposed to be Scooby Dog and it was just a typo

Therapy: Expensive

saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free