Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
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“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
Always a metermaid never a meter
Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing
War & Peace
I want a job waking people up that I dislike.
Or I guess I could just get married
Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?
If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
My Bread Shop may have turned a profit if I stuck with the original name: Rolling In Dough instead of: Yeast Infection Connection.
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.
I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing
A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.
the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
*discretely picks a booger*
*slyly wipes it on her blouse*
Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.
Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in
Dating Tips
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5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.
“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”
It’s fall??
“Ya, so what?”
[leaves start attacking everyone]
OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED
April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
Packed Wakanda Forever audience cheering “ELAINE! ELAINE! ELAINE!” every time Julia Louis-Dreyfus shows up
My son has a hard time waking up in the morning so he downloaded an obnoxious sounding alarm on his phone to ensure he wouldn’t oversleep.
So far the only people awake from it this morning are me, my husband & our neighbors.
ME: what’s for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago
Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.
Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!