Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”

*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops

[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?

Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.

“My god,” the explosives specialist says. “The bomb’s diffuser is hooked up to a ridiculously difficult sudoku that has to be solved in under 6 minutes!”

I slowly look up. My time has come…

I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh

This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along

Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls

I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.

[in car on a road trip]

Me (checks clock): 5:07

*reads for a bit*
*scrolls emails*
*searches for radio station*
*eats a snack*
*knits a sweater*

Me (checks clock): 5:08

Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.

Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.

-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?

-It’s haunted by a low level demon

Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful

I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.

Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.

If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.

When I was a kid, I had this game called ‘Worm Church,’ where I’d bring Worms to my room and read them the Bible.

*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*

M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?

Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.

ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.

SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?

ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?

SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.

ME: *nervously* Oh

*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*

Playing ‘chef’ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said “the beer is always free here,” in case you’re looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.

I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.

Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.

if you think my grammar is bad you should’ve met my grampar.

OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!

*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*

Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805

Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer

One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan

If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.