Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*
Her: that’s it. I’m leaving
Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?
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Not to brag but my Motorola flip top phone still has the same full charge since 96′
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?
Hey, fellas
“Waitress!”
Waitress: “Sir?”
“Could you check the rest-room? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
Was glad my kids didn’t scream for me to come deal with the bug but also concerned when they named him Jerry before they killed it.
Chess with Australians must get so confusing.
“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”
If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.
I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.
[hitting on a girl]
ME: can I buy you a beer?
HER: no thanks
ME: so two beers then?
HER: i said no thanks
ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer
doctor: are u drinking enough fluids
me: i’ve never drunk anything else
I know it’s traditional to start work at 9, but I think we could lower that age to 8.
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
Talk about a bad egg
It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.
Please, Daddy was my father. Call me Son
what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
[During sex]
Me: * ˢᶦᵍʰʰʰ*
Him: Ok… Wanna role play?
Me: Sure, you’re a musician
Him: Oooh! Which one?!
Me: Bono
Him: Why Bono?
Me: You still haven’t found what you’re looking for.
Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.
I don’t think I can be bothered with dating anymore?
My husband:
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.