Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen

Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.

Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.

Me: OMG, what a great day!

Anxiety: Wait for it…

Oh yeah that’s it

Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*

Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*

Professor X: Being literal is not a superpower

Guy: But-

Wolverine: Look man, just take the L and leave

Guy: *Drives away*

Woverine: Oh no you didnt!

I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.

[On my death bed]

My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?

Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down

Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge

Me, a rhinoceros: nice

cop: do you know how fast you were going?

cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain

cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts

cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?

Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here

*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*

Yes I’m the dude at the liquor store with a grocery cart but in my defense I do have 10 relatives coming over for dinner tomorrow

Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.

*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curves

Me, taking off my Spanx: behold

I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.

Daughter: Dad take this Buzzfeed quiz and find out which Spice Girl you are.

Me: I already know…I’m Hospice.

Daughter:

*opens facebook messenger*
*sips mtn dew twice*
*strokes neckbeard*
*begins typing*
Sorry abt ur mom dying
Tis a shame
Btw ur attractive

Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.

Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.

Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?

Let’s ride.

So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.

felt cute might bury dad later idk

Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three

My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.

If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.

The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.