Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”

My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.

Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat

I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties

Grammar tells us, ” ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ “.

But science tells us otherwise.

#GrammarDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes

EXECUTOR OF MY WILL: I’m so sorry for your loss. Mr. Nadeau has requested he be mummified, but in Fruit Roll-Ups.

WIFE: *Knocks on coffin* Andrew. You have to stop doing this. Are you alive?

ME: *Muffled* No.

WIFE:

ME: *Muffled but sadder* Maybe.

Got fired from Goldman Sachs for insisting that you can’t have a board meeting without charcuterie

I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.

I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.

I hate the crossword. If someone asked me in person to name “Someone getting dressed for lunch?” and then they smiled wryly and said “salad” I would ruin their life

Friend: How was your job interview?

Me: I think I hugged him too long.

some cats are just doing for fun!

I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.

Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:

Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.

*hears dogs bark*

“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”

“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear

This water sounds like a sexually transmitted infection you get from a gentle breeze blowing up your shorts.

why did we replace harmless white lies with therapy talk? i don’t need an essay about how you’re setting boundaries so you can’t make it tonight, just say your stomach hurts

Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.

If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.

Me: I know what you’re thinking. Everyone thinks it’s suspicious that my husbands died of natural causes so early in life
Him: One fell while hiking, one tumbled out of his office window and the other drove his car into the ocean.
Me: Gravity is natural.

I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰

OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.

Me: Where are the kids?

Wife: Mom’s

Me: *getting excited* Really?! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?

W: Almost certainly not

In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.

Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Boss: Oh.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.

I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.

Me, literally climbing out of a dumpster: Can I give you some personal advice?

Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers