Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*first day as a vegan*

“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”

“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.

11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.

Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg

and wait.

-hospitals

Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.

Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you

You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.

If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.

You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.

I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.

And just like that, civilisation reached its limits

Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”

Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.

Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.

If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”

you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy

Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?

Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water

*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird

I’m not a dietitian, but if you eat pizza right at midnight your body doesn’t know if the calories go towards yesterday or today so they don’t count

Tonight my wife is making us watermelon mojitos and if you think you can’t find true love on the Internet well you’re wrong because that’s where she found the recipe.

Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.

ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?

My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.

But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?

– Food Trucks

Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winks

Him:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid

Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two

*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*

Seductively rubs salt in your wound.

Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.

THIS IS THE POLICE.
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.

“Wrong house guys.”

ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?

“Yup, happens a lot.”

OKAY COOL, SORRY.