Me: [Eating pizza for breakfast]
Gym nerd: [pouring 8 flourescent powders into a gym bottle] I dunno how u can put that shit into your body
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remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.
He scratches his head… I scratch mine.
He touches his chest… I touch mine.
He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.
Looking forward to Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck getting back together again in 2044.
BBC:when a women is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal
That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”
Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.
once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”
Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.
*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
Heard this in a movie…
What do you call a banana eating another banana? Cannibananalism. 😂
Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
Wife: I’m leaving
Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together
Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart
Me: ooh get chocolate
My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?
i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.