Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless person

I don’t like to talk about it

My husband has blocked the sink!!!!

.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!

I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.

you’re either watching a movie with me or you’re watching a movie against me

WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not

🙏🏾

Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.

Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.

*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*

Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.

My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.

When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.

Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!

Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.

*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*

realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history

Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?

I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me

nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence

This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!

I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.

interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?

me: self-quarantine

interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000

me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies

you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.

me: am I awake or dreaming

a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is

My 10 y/o daughter checked my wife’s Fitbit and she “didn’t move enough last night to be Santa Claus” and I still don’t have a “real beard” so it appears the old man will be back next year.

me, naked wearing a hospital gown: should the opening be in the front?

dentist: ma’am that’s not necessary for a cavity filling

You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*

Nothing is scarier than teaching your teen to drive. Except teaching them to drive on the highway. And teaching them to drive at night. Or on the highway at night. Also on the highway at night during the week of Christmas.

my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt

Someone hire this dog for the next Oceans movie

When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.

I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.

[Chocolate Cake 101]

Sober: Use a fork

Stoned: Use your fingers

Drunk: Use your face