Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
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Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:
– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch
My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.
get you someone as goofy as you.. is.
Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
[at the bar]
Me: Let’s settle this like men
Him: *pulls out knife*
Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*
I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”
Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
you can run but you can’t hide
*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*
GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now let’s just divide these legs up!
SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.
GOD: …There is literally no reason to do that.
MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.
I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
[First Date]
Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
Sticker placement is key.
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.
Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre