Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Jogging has never helped my memory.

Every day Stephen King and I both:

1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet

Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.

Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry

No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….

My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.

Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.

Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants

I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha

The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill

I’ve had a lot of frank conversations with my daughters about the perils of growing up, drugs and boys and strangers and whatnot, but the one lesson I hope that sticks above all others is how they must be very, very careful about what they do to their eyebrows.

[blind date]

HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart

ME {trying to impress her}: blood

FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it

FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok

ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do

They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.

Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”

It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.

me:*pulls chair out for date*

her: such a gentleman

my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!

fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information

me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce

being productive at work is EASY with a disciplined routine: I spend the first 6 hours doing nothing at all, and the final 2 hours in absolute SICKO mode with the fear of god inside me

[Airport security supervillain screening]

AGENT: Spell ‘haha’

ME: OK, ‘M’,–

AGENT: ur under arrest

[driving on the highway]

My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.

Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?

Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.

You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.

[god creating seahorses]

angel: any more ideas for animals?

god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim

🍛

*sinks into depression*

Depression: “Wrong hole.”

3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.

Management discussing if there are beneficial ways to use Artificial Intelligence in the library’s operations. I suggested we try experimenting with the real stuff first.

Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.

Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.

Doctor: Your daughter is 10.