ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
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Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.
You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely
Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.
honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral
Me: So after this Imma call you my stentist.
Cardiologist: Ok so no surgery for you.
My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”
I’ve started doing my makeup before getting dressed in the morning because, if we’re running late, my husband may argue I don’t need makeup, but will never argue that I don’t need clothes.
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?
10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled
Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true
Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
Stop roasting yourself, you’re not a marshmallow
Come back with a warrant
My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.
She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.
I’ll handle zombies.
as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator
Day 1 of healthy eating
So good to be eating healthily again. I feel fitter and better in myself already
Day 2 of healthy eating
I miss cheese so much I want to cry. I’ve forgotten the taste of chocolate. Vegetables taste of sadness and resentment. I’ve never known such misery
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you’d get rid of them.
Next day
F *screams*
I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.