Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u

“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad

Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.

Me: I like sunsets

Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say

Me:

Son: you’re also very pale

When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”

[waits until purge night to illegally download music]

Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.

My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account

I don’t go down to the docks anymore because once I was mistaken for a big bag of sausages and got scooped up by a forklift. Life can be sad.

If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”

Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.

Pug: did you play favorites when you named our breeds?

God: I don’t play favorites.

Pug: what about Golden Retriever and Great Dane?

God: those are just names.

Pug: yeah I guess.

God: I promise everyone got the name they deserved.

Shih Tzu: [to Pug] did you ask him yet?

me: i don’t like talking about myself

random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’

me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old

If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.

You know what’s going to happen and it’s still funny every time 😂

[face to face with a serial killer]

Me: So this is how it ends.

SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.

Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.

*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?

Put a mirror on the ceiling.

She said.

It will be sexy.

She said.

Terrify yourself every morning.

I found out.

“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.

[before sex]

Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador

Her: why’s that?

Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags

*watches soccer*

*watches soccer*

*watches soccer*

*watches soccer*

*has to pee*

*watches soccer*

*gets up to pee*

*misses goal*

:/

I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great

[Calls boss]
I won’t be in today
“Why not?”
[camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car]
I’ve got the shits.

My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.

Very weird.

Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”

Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.

Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.

Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.

My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.

My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks

My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.