me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
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*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*
Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!
Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.
Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.
For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.
ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle
There’s been a lot of false alarms at the coal mine today. Maybe we should get a canary instead of a possum
By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰
“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff
Trevor: That’s not always practic—
John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS
If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
This has to be a scam text but what’s the end goal here?
Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!
While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.
If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old
love tennis but never really been clear why they need a lifeguard
I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.
“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?