Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
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If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.
Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…
Weird.
Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you
Her Mom: what?
Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this
Her Dad: are you serious?
Me: *patting his belly* yes
There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao
Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]
Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful
Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
Me: I don’t think this is going to work
Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people
M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under
Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
*enters username*
“USERNAME NOT RECOGNISED”
*creates new account*
*enters username*
“USERNAME ALREADY IN USE”
*sets fire to self*
he was correct
me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!
Jeff Bezos has dropped to 3rd place in the world’s richest person rankings after being replaced by an Indian billionaire. Please visit our bio for the link to Bezos’s GoFundMe page. ❤️
HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.
ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!
Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.
Squirrel: ours never stop growing
Walrus: and growing
Rat: and growing
Elephant: and growing
Groundhog: and growing
bartender: what are you having mate
guy who speaks in amazon product titles: yea can i get 2 Beer Beverage, Beer Cans, Portable Alcohol Beverage, Party Tailgate Birthday Event | Catering | Drinking Supplies | Aluminium, Silver (2-count)
Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.
*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.
When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.
Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.
damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.