I didn’t realise how tiny my wife is until I took her favourite sweater out of the dryer
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
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I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”
me: so i have an attention deficit.
me: so i need to get more attention
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring
*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
[my fitness dvd]
ME: *lifting cans of soup as weights* im using minestrone but you can use pretty much any kind
Her: I don’t know what I would do without my kids.
Me: me neither! But probably watch a 26 minute show on Netflix in under 6 hours.
Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?
Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?