Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*

Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!

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I didn’t realise how tiny my wife is until I took her favourite sweater out of the dryer


I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”


me: so i have an attention deficit.

psychologist: yes.

me: so i need to get more attention

psychologist: no.


*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*

My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions


My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring


*At The Opera*

Her: Where are you going?

Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.

Her: I have the car keys.

Me: Shit!


[Busy ER]

Patient: So what happens after this?

Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate

Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?

Me: Oh. Same.


[my fitness dvd]
ME: *lifting cans of soup as weights* im using minestrone but you can use pretty much any kind


Her: I don’t know what I would do without my kids.
Me: me neither! But probably watch a 26 minute show on Netflix in under 6 hours.


Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?

Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?

Cop:Lol, nevermind