Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
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I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.
THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.
ME: Show your enemy two quarters.
Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
1% battery…..
Because I like to live on the
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u
Just think, in 10 years you’re going to wish you look as good as you do right now. Assuming you’re still alive.
~inspirational
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
My 4 year old just said, “if you give me gold fish this will be a lot easier for you”
Don’t you want this to be easier for you?
-Gangster – level 3
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”
I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭
I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.
“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.
How is that even science fiction?
They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”
VILLAIN: *Stroking cat* I’ve been expec-
BOND: OMG your kitty is so cute! Can I pet him?!
V:*Whining* Tiiim, you said this was intimidating!
satan: [pulling me aside] hey we’ve had some complaints
me: about the laughing?
satan yeah [scratching horns] i gotta be honest a lot of the demons are creeped out
me:
satan: you really shouldn’t be enjoying the torture this much
For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*
Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat
Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.
Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time
One venti cheeseburger please.
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.