Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.

Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)

I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver

Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.

Went to a social event for my kid’s new school and they asked the parents to share what your friends like in 7th grade and I told them if I shared that you wouldn’t let your kid hang out with mine.

North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.

Wife: Rock the baby.

Me: *plugs in amp*

Son: Dad, what does ‘gay’ means?
Father: It means ‘to be happy’.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.

I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.

We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.

“you look nervous” thanks i’ve been practicing my whole life

My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work

He didn’t suffer, it was instant

You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,

Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.

wife: how many beers is that for you?

me: yep

Not being an heiress has ruined my life

I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.

Once again I find myself asking “How long can I stay in the bathroom before one of my employees realizes I’m gone?”

I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.

You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand order

I knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”

In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.

I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.

Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?

Overheard:

“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”

An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.

Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas

[planning vacation]

Alexa, show me extradition treaties

If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.

An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.

Octopuses call that “leg day.”

[spelling bee]

Your word is ‘golfed’

“May I have it in a sentence please?”

Sure. He golfed with a tee.

“G-O-L-F-T”