Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it

*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.

I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.

If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning

I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.

My car is making strange noises but it’s just me singing.

You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store

*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENED

Boss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.

My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.

I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.

The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.

“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”

Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.

Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.

Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point

channeling her this year

I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch

There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too

guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?

Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?

It turns out when someone asks who your favorite child is, you’re supposed to choose from your own. I know that now.

Thrilling chase underway

TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated

Me: I love fresh bed linen

Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?

*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*

you guys headed down to the pawnshop?

Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?

Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]

Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.

To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.

I was getting out of my car, twisted weird, lost my balance, bounced off the car next to me and then back to my car. I hope everyone in the parking lot was taking detailed notes on how to exit your car like a Weeble Wobble.

When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:

“OK.”