me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
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CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:
ME: Two Thin Mints please
GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!
ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings
GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS
…
ME: Four boxes would be great.
TRAIN’S HERE
Husband: where you off to?
Me: bathroom
Husband: you have to pee again?
Me: no, I gotta cough
Parenting Tip:
Replace the word “nightmare” with “adventure”.
“This common core homework is an adventure for us both!”
“Grandma made us asparagus quiche so we can try an adventure meal!”
“Your endless harmonica practicing will haunt my deepest adventures.”
SpongeBob has such a good life. Make burgers, catch jellyfish, play with friend. I want that. I want that for me. And I would have no problem with disposing of him in order to get it
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]
Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”
Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*
[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit
4-year-old trying pop rocks:
I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
My neighbors planted an eggplant next to their peach tree.
It’s like their very own dirty emoji garden.
There was a time I thought Radiohead was saying “I’m a creep, I’m a widow” and one day I heard someone sing the right word and well, only a freakin’ weirdo would think widow makes sense there, right.
I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.
Robin: I’m so excited!
*curtain opens*
Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…
Batman: You’re welcome.
Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible
“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.
I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished
the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times
marketing people:
New-to-school parent: I haven’t heard that — was it in one of the school emails?
Experienced parent: Oh I don’t know, don’t read those. Heard it from Becky whose neighbor’s sister-in-law works in the school office on Thursday mornings.