Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just walked into my room holding the remote and a glass of chocolate milk and I meant to toss the remote into my bed but instead I tossed the glass of chocolate milk onto my bed

Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.

doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.

chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS

Needless to say…*

*mic drop

What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.

ME: hmm…tastes like chicken

MORTICIAN: get out

If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.

I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered

Me: Have you had a shower, and brushed your teeth?

Son: Yes of course

Me: It doesn’t look like it

Son: oh you mean this week?

Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.

me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man

I have never related to anyone more.

This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.

If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house

quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric

My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.

Me: “Take me to your leader!”

60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*

HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night

ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?

HIM: I have to go now

anyone else’s big brother text them like an unwilling roadman situationship

My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.

Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.

me: you hear old macdonald’s farm got replaced by artificial intelligence?

him: AI?

me: AI

him: oh

Coworker: you play any sports
Me: yeah but I’ve had to take a break from it
CW: oh..Injury?
Me: *thinks about broken controller* yeah..kinda

1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.

Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.

“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner

wife: look our baby can stand up

baby: what’s the deal with airplane food

ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse

FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?

ME: grow up Kalvin

Husband: Why are you so grumpy?

Me: I’m not grumpy.

My face:

I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.

TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?

OTHER TWIN: yes

TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute