Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
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[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult
There’s something I really need to get off my chest tonight
Throws bra on the floor
I feel much better
If self driving cars are the thing of the future could you imagine how that’s going to change the repossession game? Imagine missing a payment and your Subaru just starts backing itself down the driveway.
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?
Me: *hands cash*
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.
I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.
*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes
me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known
me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them
The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.
Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*
Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this
My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.
5yo to 3yo: Clean up these Legos or I won’t get to play on my iPad.
Yeah, my 5yo is gonna do great in middle management.
I wrote a book called “The Sun Also Rises” until I found out that Hemingway wrote a novel with the exact same title. So I changed mine to “The Sun Also Rises Too As Well”
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.
Re: global warming and the cold weather
“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.
Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts