Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs

What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?

Icy dead people…

Occasionally, the universe will send a sniffly stranger to stand too close to you in the store and inexplicably follow you through a couple aisles. Just for funsies

Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess

Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.

(from the bottom of a well) is this the trap

I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.

Back to having zero haters, feels good.

Me: I want a snack.

Husband: You could have veggies.

Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.

*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*

*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*

Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity

I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen

Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?

Me: no, is he any good?

If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.

Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.

I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.

No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body

I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.

When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.

my daughter was wearing a flannel hoodie so I said “hey, the 90’s called” and she replied “yeah cause they couldn’t text” and godDAMMIT I’m getting really tired of my kids owning me

Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel

Wile E Coyote: oh no

“Gotta wake up early”

*sets alarm for 5am*

*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*

*goes back to sleep*

I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”

So anyway, he’s my new therapist.

Waking kids up 1st day of school: hey sweeties time to wake up I made you a frittata, fruit salad, and freshly squeezed orange juice

Waking kids up for the second day of school: EVERYBODY UP WE’RE LATE GRAB A POP TART AND GOOOOO

You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.

My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.

[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*

A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.

This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.