Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
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Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
Friend: when you first meet, tell her she looks prettier in person
Me: ok
[Later]
Her: Hi!
Me: Hi you look uglier online
[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it
I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up
Cutest fight ever.. 😊
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot
The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
captain: is there a doctor on this plane?? this man is having a heart attack
me: i have a BA in english
guy having a heart attack: that’s brutal, hang in there
My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.
She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.
Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
I’m leaving this garbage website because it’s become such a cesspool and ruining all of our lives.
I’ll be back in 5 min.
[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]
Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.
My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
(Showing off new car)
Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?
Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one
I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.
-5 asking for chips for breakfast
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
Today I got yelled at by a bird. I don’t even speak bird.
*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*
Pretty fly for a white guy.
the lady who waxes my eyebrows asked me what my favorite local hot dog places are and i got so animated she had to stop working for a second
they used to be called swing states. now they’re called battleground states. just another example of our sex-negative culture
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.