Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future

ME: Really? Who wins the election?

TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace

ME: You need to be more specific

I never forget to eat but I do eat to forget

What do you call a sheep covered in chocolate?

A candy baa

#DadJoke

There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.

Light as a feather, smorg as a board

ME: what came first the chicken or the egg

FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you

“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”

~ whiskey

*has hiccups for 30 seconds*

MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT

Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read

Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable prices

Cons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press

No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.

But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.

Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.

I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house

The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.

You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.

Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat

My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]

I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.

My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.

I just told my husband I found a giant active wasp nest in our backyard and he said “I know! I saw that a few days ago!” so we got to have a lecture about “see something, say something.”

All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons

I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.

NOT EVERYONE WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING, MOM. SOME OF US WERE TRYING TO BREAK IT UP.

Condoms are not biodegradable
Condoms are not biodegradable
Condoms are not biodegradable
Condoms are not biodegradable
Condoms are not biodegradable

if you care about the planet have unprotected sex!

Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…

if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito

Me: Just call me loaded fries!

Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉

Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.

NASA : we were wrong , there ARE 9 planets in the Solar System

PLUTO: I’m back, baby!

NASA: because we found a new one!

PLUTO: SON OF A

*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*