Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My GF’s anti aging cream went bad.
HOW DOES ANTI AGING CREAM HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE?!

Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.

*exercises sarcastically*

sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science

Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.

Her: My baby is 28 months old.

Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?

Thinking about when I got to the hospital to give birth and the doctor asked when the contractions started and I said “11:48” and he laughed and said “Wow, so specific. 11:48 and how many seconds?” and I’m just saying that man is lucky to be alive.

Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.

I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.

I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.

[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]

I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.

My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆

“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye

The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking

If history has taught us anything, it’s that fascism has always been fought against too quickly and too violently

My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.

She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.

I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”

She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.

A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.

My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.

Earlier today every man and his brother were talking to me at Home Depot and at first I thought maybe I was ovulating? Then I looked in the mirror and realized what was different. I brushed my hair this morning.

CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?

ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no

*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*

why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf

In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.

Me: hi, I’d like to schedule an exorcism for my husband

Priest: what makes you think he’s possessed?

Me: he forgets to eat on a regular basis

Priest: that’s not really-

Me: also he doesn’t “care for for cheese”

Priest: *grabs largest crucifix* Let’s do this

Man reading a book: hot

Man with a baby: hot

Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.

You know who else has a naughty list?

HR

Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.

I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it

cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]

If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?