Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail

Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.

I was in the park vaping in a tree when skateboard punk yolo teens called me “poor,” but jokes on them — I make hundreds of dollars a year.

My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.

Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”

Trying

Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.

At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.

Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.

TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*

somewhere, in an alternate universe

The 9 levels of midwestern anger

9. “jesus, mary and, joseph”
8. “Woah woah woah”
7. “Hold your horses”
6. “Jeez Louise”
5. “For Heaven’s sake””
4. “If I had a nickel for every time”
3. “Well, now wait a minute”
2. “For Pete’s sake”
1. “Listen here pal”

I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.

I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…

Now I have kenny logins.

#dangerzone

Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”

Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”

*watching Hoarders

Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.

sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”

Obviously the Asian gentleman I saw flush the urinal with a karate kick doesn’t mind perpetuating stereotypes.

[traffic stop]

Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?

To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”

My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada

Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)

Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat

Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.

the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally

I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree

I got mad at a rock today.

I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.

Now there are two rocks.

Send help. Now.

How old do I look?

9yo: 30

Aww, you deserve ice crea-

9yo: Just like grandma

-m but too bad you’re not getting any

Flying is a luxury experience in the same way as getting a colonoscopy is one.

You realize you are privileged to be able to afford it, but that doesn’t make it feel good.

New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.