Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

‘Pumpkin’ has got to be the weirdest pet name. How do you look at the person you cherish and adore and decide to call them the second largest squash in North America?

Well, that should do it

People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.

They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.

Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.

Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.

They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.

PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.

I asked the waiter how he was doing, and he told me all about his bad gas and hemorrhoids. Ugh, that’s the last time I go to TMI Friday’s.

Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299

It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story

The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.

I had a weird smell once…

A rodent crawled up under my car and got into the heat/air unit and died there.

I was trying to use my AC and blowing dead animal air at myself.

You know how long it takes to get rid of hot dead rotting rat smell?

3 months. Three

I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.

Parenting’s First Law of Physics:

An object in motion ends up resting on the floor until there’s an argument over who should pick it up.

Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…

My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.

So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.

me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity

him: how

me: with his mouth

Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped

Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?

Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.

[first date]

Boy: so where are you from?

Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.

I have always wanted to do this 😭😭

[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”

[at a restaurant]

me: i think i misread your tinder bio

squirtle: squirtle.

before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life

[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?

*Refrigerator hums loudly*

Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long

Me: yeah that was on purpose

3: I hit you in the head with the shovel

me: um, no thank you

3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle